“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process.” Institute for Civility in Government

                         

 We grew up at a time when we were taught to respect other people’s opinions and decisions.   We were expected to follow the rules of our parents,  grandparents, teachers and those in authority. Perhaps this was simply polite social behavior but, in today’s bifurcated world, have we lost all sense of civility?  

 What is civility and does it really matter?  According to Merriam-Webster, civility is defined as “polite, reasonable, and respectful behavior.” 

Respect is no longer a prerequisite for dialogue and cyber-bullying continues unbridled, particularly among young people.  Empathy is a natural human impulse, yet NPR reported in a 2019 series that, in the last decade, the younger generation has taken a position that “it is not their problem.”

And  what about adults?  Research suggests that the first step is to encourage civil relationships.  “People need to develop empathy for others” in order to find reciprocity in civility.  Think about someone with whom you completely disagree. Now try to imagine the source of their opposing position.  Too often our first reaction is visceral.  Instead, if we try to respect their position even though it is anathema to us, we can at least end the conversation in a civil manner.  We know this sounds like a parent trying to give good advice.  But, just maybe, there is something to this approach. 

In researching what has been written about civility, we found an interesting nonprofit organization named The Institute for Civility in Government, whose home page states:

“Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary prerequisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and nobody’s is ignored.”

This organization is primarily focused on promoting civility in government.  But for us, in our day-to-day lives, how do we teach that, beyond being respectful, we need to listen to divergent perspectives without attacking the opposing person’s character?   Perhaps our “freedom of speech” has stepped over the edge. Perhaps we need to establish parameters in this new world of immediate media and constant connection.  

To what degree is social media responsible for the loss of civility? Our parents taught us different ways to handle a bully – none of those strategies can be effective when an anonymous voice is speaking to you from behind the veil of technology. Beyond social media, we witness the absence of civility in sports, in politics, in daily interactions.  How can parents be role models for civility when children are being assaulted with a constant barrage of media and unfiltered diatribes. How did we get to the point that a disagreement ends family ties and friendships?  

Ironically, we did research for this article before the incident at The Academy Awards.  Where was “civil discourse?” Should we be allowed to say anything we want about another person and how, if we feel disrespected, should we respond? Now let’s imagine if each party acted in a civil manner:

“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process.”

                                 

Ciao

Lucy and Claudia