The smell from the crab apple tree in the paddock is delightful. Without warning it took me back to my childhood and the memory of how much I loved the smell as a young child. I am astounded by the fact that a smell can trigger such a clear memory. I cannot see the tree, but I can feel the warmth of the spring day on my skin and feel the breeze. I am young, may six or seven years old. My memory shifts to the tall pale purple iris along the side of the garage. I do not like them, and I think they are ugly flowers and, to this day, have never liked them. I see the wallpaper in my bedroom. It has a white background with little pink roses and it makes me feels good and safe.
I still cannot see where the crab tree stood, and, just like that, my mind shifts to the marsh in the rear of the house and it is a crystal-clear blue sky and winter and I am walking along the narrow-frozen inlets and stopping to look at the sparkling ice crystals where the water was just beginning to freeze. I love the color of the golden swamp grasses and the quiet of this place. I feel safe here away from the house.
But the scene changes to the scary part where my father is hurting my mother and I am so scared, and he throws her between the bed and the wall and I am so scared I hide in my bedroom with my face close to the pretty wallpaper. I did not mean to let this frightening memory come back. It just did on its own just like the warmth I felt from the smell of the crab apple tree.
Maybe this is how psychoanalysts help patients get through sadness and depression. I wonder if there is a way to restructure memory so that we can recall only good life experiences and dismiss the dark traumatic ones. I think people spend lots of money trying to do just this.
At this point in my life, I am finally learning how to change the channel on these memories. Boom. Done. Move on. That’s all it takes.
Seriously, it has not been easy and it is still a struggle but I continue to work on locking up the scary and sad memories. When my mother came off the golf course, said she wasn’t feeling well and thirty-five days lay dying in a hospital, I can recall the room and her face in exacting detail. She looked unconscious and was on morphine. I told her that I was going to be fine and that I wasn’t afraid of my father and that my life was good so she didn’t have to worry about me anymore. And just like that she let go and died at age 56. I replay this in my dreams over and over and I want to take it back and say I didn’t mean that she should die right then and there. I am so sorry that I did not understand the power of my words.
How to I handle this memory? Rather than torture myself with remorse, I smile and remember her beautiful face and her smile and how much we loved to laugh, shop and eat good food. I remember how beautiful she was when she dressed for an evening out and how she did not even know how beautiful she was.
Why am I sharing this now? I think maybe it is because we have been isolated and alone these past eight weeks with time to reflect on life. And face it, I am in the vulnerable demographic by age and health issues. Lucy recently lost a friend to the virus and it really hit home for both of us. Whatever we can do to be positive for our kids and grandkids, we should do it. I have stories to share that will make my granddaughter laugh. I am filtering memories now, not unlike culling photographs for an album. I will tell her hilarious tales about her father and his antics as a teenager. I am moving these memories to the front row.
Moving on to the news this week from ForbesWOMEN:
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern continues to earn recognition for her leadership through the pandemic: on Tuesday, the country reported it had no new Covid-19 cases, and a new poll named Ardern New Zealand’s most popular leader in 100 years thanks to her capable handling of the crisis. Hats off to this woman leader who once again demonstrates that women are better leaders in times of crisis.
Finally, this read is a must as it describes one of the primary barriers to reopening which is the fear of having to use public bathrooms:
Today’s message is to move on and up and keep away from the sad dark places. It is too easy to get mired there. I feel the urge for a hot fudge sundae and that is exactly what I am going to do right now! Stay safe and well.
Ciao
Lucy and Claudia
Leave a Reply